Monday, June 30, 2014

Dear Addelyn,
You are the absolute smartest 2 year old to ever live. 
I may be biased, but I believe it, and tell you often. 
Our friends used to tease me because I admitted once that while you were an infant I would tell you how beautiful you were, then feel guilty for putting emphasis on beauty and follow it up with telling you how smart, and funny, and kind you were.  But, please understand that you are in fact all of those things. 
You are beautiful.  I look at you sometimes and catch myself wondering how you are mine.  You and your sandy blonde hair, green-ish eyes and long legs.   How in the world did I produce that?  Truth be told you are a perfect blend of my genetics and your father's.  You have facial expressions that are "true Martin", and a full face and profile I swear is your Mimi's, then upon first glance you look so much like your father. 
Addelyn, my girl, you are funny.  Aside from your bold statements of "I funny", you truly are.  Mirrors have become your tool, as you prefect your "funny faces" in them almost daily.  And you have a fake laugh better than anyone's.  By the way, you have done that since you were 9 months old.  You have a sense, a knowledge of when something is funny, or supposed to be funny, and you give a 100% effort to "fake laugh" (which in my opinion is a testament to your brilliance and understanding of the world, but who am I?) 
And, Addelyn, you are so kind.  Let me give you a recent example:  The other night we were running from a "dragon" in the house which led us to my bed, where we then, upon your request, had to get under the covers to hide.  I slammed my head against my headboard and winced.  I was initially proud that I held back curse words, then was greeted face to face with true concern on your part, followed by an actual kiss on the head from you to me.  Let me just say too that it wasn't an open mouthed "baby" kiss, you thoughtfully puckered and kissed my head, then said "all better Momma?"
Anyway, I know I am a doting mom and that I think the best of you, but I will prove to you over and over again that I am not wrong.  You are beautiful, and smart, and funny, and kind. 
Fun stuff you are saying lately:
You follow most phrases with, "Okaaaay.?.?."  Such as, I'll be right back, Okaaay", or "Just one more whopper momma, Okaaay".  And you are picking up on everything.  Pointing out, as we are driving, when we are about to pass the lake, telling Jake tonight that a magician says "abra-cadabra", and me that there are crickets and woodpeckers in your nighttime forrest story (I don't know where you learned any of that).  You are singing and dancing, a lot.  You know all of the words to at least 8 songs and have thoroughly enjoyed having music played during dinnertime and the dance party that ensues after. 
You, my Addelyn, surprise me every day and everyday I am so thankful to be your momma.
I love you,

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Dear Addelyn,
This past weekend contained a few firsts for you. You took your first plane ride. You ventured across state lines for the first time. You met a whole group of new people, and spent a weekend with a girl your age (actually 6 months older).
Side note: spending such time with a girl is a first because on a regular basis you are playing with boys, as we don't know many girls your age.
Jake has friends that live in Denver, Colorado. A few months ago he asked if we wanted to join him to visit them for a weekend. I hesitated, and contemplated whether or not we should go. I was worried about the plane ride, about staying with people you and I barely know, if it would be a good experience for you, and if Jake and I were ready to take such a trip together with you. I worried about so many unnecessary things (which isn't abnormal for me). The worry was unnecessary because you had a great time! Addy, you were such a trooper!
You were so excited to simply arrive at the airport. Jake and I spent the hour waiting to board chasing you around the terminal. I wanted you to exert as much energy as possible before boarding so you could get your nap in on the plane. That didn't happen. You had a window seat all to your self which provided entertainment in the form of buckling and unbuckling your own seat belt and opening and shutting your own window. When the plane took off the feeling of unease I got in the pit of my stomach was matched only by your true excitement as you looked to me with wide eyes waving your hands in exhilaration. Although I brought a computer notebook, headphones, excessive snacks, a baby doll, a pretend doctor kit, stuffed animals and whoppers (for emergencies only) you were happy trading laps and watching the airplane tv without sound. The plane landed in Denver just as you fell asleep in Jake's lap. He carried you sleeping on his shoulder to baggage claim and beyond.
We were picked up by two of Jake's closest friends and taken to the Anderson's house. You immediately made yourself at home exploring their playroom and back deck. Reese, their 2 1/2 year old little girl, was taking a nap when we arrived. When she awoke and was brought to the back patio to meet you, you greeted her with "this is my porch". Although a rocky start, the two of you hit it off. You played so well with her and mimicked her every move.
You and I went with the girls to an art walk in a little area called Tennyson, where we took in a few art galleries, ate from a food truck and played relentlessly at a neighborhood playground.
We also took a day trip to Boulder, Colorado where we walked the outdoor mall, stopping to play on statues and watch street performers.

And, we spent a day inside (due to rain) and painted our toenails (well, you napped and I painted my toenails), and made pizza for dinner.
Finally, we explored downtown Denver, eating at a local café and exploring the 16th street mall.
We had a great time. We met new people, we experienced new things, we laughed a lot, and loved a lot. I could not have been more proud to be your mother. You used your manners, adapted to any situation, and let me lug you around everywhere. I would be lying to say that there were not meltdown moments, but you are two, and they were minimal.
Thank you for being such a trooper. Thank you for listening. Thank you for trusting me and for trusting Jake. This trip is the first of many.
I can't wait to see what all our future has in store.
I love you Addelyn, and am so very proud of you,

Thursday, April 24, 2014

I love you

Dear Addelyn, Your Daddy is very sick. I have hesitated writing about this to you so many times, but there are things that I need to tell you. Things that I need you to know as they are happening, and I want to tell you these things so you can better understand me and my love for you. Four days ago we met your dad for dinner. His behavior scared me unlike anything has before. It scared me for you. He did nothing to physically put you in harm, but he was far from sober. His actions made me realize how very sick he is. You strived for his attention, showing off your ability to use your fork, and asking for his praise. Addelyn, I want you to know that the lack of attention and praise you received from him had nothing to do with you. He alarmed me enough that we had to leave, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for so many things, but most of all I am sorry that you, at such a young age, strive for the attention that he is incapable of giving at this time. I want to tell you now that you in no way are the cause of his sickness, nor his lack of attention and care. Your daddy struggled with many things long before I met him. I loved him and he loves you, please know that. I want nothing more than for him to be a supportive and sober father to you, but right now he is not. Addy, I promise to strive to surround you with the support you need. I promise to be open and honest with you about anything you ask. I promise to do my very best to provide the love and support you deserve. I promise that I will continue to work to better myself, for you. I love you Addelyn, Mom

Saturday, December 28, 2013


Dear Addelyn, Your second Christmas has come and gone. We had a great holiday. We spent Christmas Eve at Mimi and Grandpa's eating, although you didn't eat much, and opening the abundance of gifts our family is generous enough to give. It was an evening full of laughter and toys. You took some interest in opening gifts this year, however one gift would have been good enough as you became instantly occupied after the first gift's wrapping was removed. You were up way past your bedtime and were fast asleep as soon as we got home. Christmas morning you slept in, waking up around 8:30 you were still tired. Together we opened Santa's gifts and you loved your Hug me Elmo and baby stroller. I decided to make MonkeyBread for you to start a Christmas morning tradition. It was my very favorite breakfast growing up, so I suppose it was a bit selfish of me, but you enjoyed it. I also made NanNan's mac & cheese casserole that we dropped off for our neighborhood firestation. I so enjoyed our time together Christmas morning. I was nervous about it, as it was our first on our own, but although fast paced I think it turned out well and you had a good time. We spent the rest of the morning on the front pourch and playing in the yard. You love being outside just as much, if not more, than I do. You did not see your father for Christmas. In fact, it has been nearly six weeks since you have seen him; the longest stretch by far. I asked him to set someting up with me on Christmas morning, but he called late and he was busy. I'm sorry he did not make it work. Christmas evening was spent at PawPaw's house. You loved being there, running up and down his hallway as if it were an amusement park ride. PawPaw loves you so much, as does the rest of the family and I get so proud and thankful to see you with them as they are so good to you, and me. Being at PawPaws did remind me of last year. Last year We were there for about an hour when you started projectile vomiting. It was the start of a 24 hour stomach bug. I remember being so worried and feeling so helpless as I frantically gathered our things and we went to Mimi & Grandpa's, where we were living at the time, to let you sleep and throw up in peace. Thankfully, this year went off without a hitch. I hope that you had a great time this holiday. I know you won't remember it, but I will and I am so thankful that we were together, and that we were able to laugh and play and enjoy the love of our family. I love you, Mom

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Half birthday

Dear Addelyn,
You, my girl, are 18 months old today. I can not believe how fast time seems to be passing. To think of you as a year and a half old is hard for me. I feel as though you were sleeping in my arms just yesterday. Today you are practically running circles around me. You have developed such a sense of humor. The countless expressive faces you make are priceless. I love hearing you talk. Your vocabulary is quite extensive. At this moment in time you are particularly fond of saying no and saying it often, which we are working on. 
Addy, you have such a kind and loving soul. You are fun loving and fiercely independent, you are determined and strong, you are so very smart and clever. I am so very proud to be your mother and have so enjoyed watching you grow and change throughout this year and a half. 
I love you, my girl.

Monday, September 30, 2013


Dear Addelyn,
Today was the first day I have seen the doctor that delivered you since your daddy and I divorced. It is very odd; the relationship one has with the doctor that delivers your baby. If it is a good experience, as mine was, you feel as though this doctor somehow knows everything about you, or at least the most important things, like your child and your journey into motherhood. For me at least, there is a relationship with her that is unique.
Anyways, although I didn't have to go into great detail, I did have to tell her of the separation between me and your father, and for some reason I felt guilty. I felt a bit ashamed, as if I let her down. She helped bring this beautiful and wonderful being into our lives and create a family that is no longer together, and because of that I felt as though I was in some way disappointing her.  It was silly of me to think that. And she was supportive and understanding and her main concern, as it should be, was the health and happiness of you and I. 

I just want you to know that I never imagined us the way we are now. But, I also never imagined our life together being as great as it is now.  I am so very thankful for you and for your happiness. I hope to be, and will try to be, all that you need me to be. 
I love you, 

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Dear Addelyn, 
I was wheeled into the delivery room around 4:30 in the afternoon on May 21, 2012. I was so incredibly nervous. My body was already experiencing the oddities of an epidural which to me was quite uncomfortable. At one point during the delivery the doctor told me to stop moving my legs. I had been consciously trying to move them, not knowing if i was succeeding, since they had gone numb. I was struggling with the lack of control I had on the lower half of my body.  At another point I can distinctly remember seeing our doctors head bob above the white curtain they had draped above my chest as she thrusted my abdomen to push you down. She later explained that you were situated high under my ribs and you had to be pushed down before she could deliver you. The short time spent in the delivery room was to me a frantic few minutes of hustling doctors having conversations I couldn't understand nor pay attention to, but then it happened: They announced your time of birth. At 4:59 pm you made your debut into this world. 

You weren't crying or making any noise for that matter. The nurses moved quickly, lifting your freshly born body over the curtain for me to see then whisking you to the incubator. It was these few minutes that seemed to last forever. I remember asking over and over again if you were okay. No one would answer me. But then you screamed, and I could breathe again. You were a healthy 7 pound, 12 ounce, and 21 inch tall baby girl. 

I love you Addelyn,