christmas

Dear Addelyn, Your second Christmas has come and gone. We had a great holiday. We spent Christmas Eve at Mimi and Grandpa's eating, although you didn't eat much, and opening the abundance of gifts our family is generous enough to give. It was an evening full of laughter and toys. You took some interest in opening gifts this year, however one gift would have been good enough as you became instantly occupied after the first gift's wrapping was removed. You were up way past your bedtime and were fast asleep as soon as we got home. Christmas morning you slept in, waking up around 8:30 you were still tired. Together we opened Santa's gifts and you loved your Hug me Elmo and baby stroller. I decided to make MonkeyBread for you to start a Christmas morning tradition. It was my very favorite breakfast growing up, so I suppose it was a bit selfish of me, but you enjoyed it. I also made NanNan's mac & cheese casserole that we dropped off for our neighborhood firestation. I so enjoyed our time together Christmas morning. I was nervous about it, as it was our first on our own, but although fast paced I think it turned out well and you had a good time. We spent the rest of the morning on the front pourch and playing in the yard. You love being outside just as much, if not more, than I do. You did not see your father for Christmas. In fact, it has been nearly six weeks since you have seen him; the longest stretch by far. I asked him to set someting up with me on Christmas morning, but he called late and he was busy. I'm sorry he did not make it work. Christmas evening was spent at PawPaw's house. You loved being there, running up and down his hallway as if it were an amusement park ride. PawPaw loves you so much, as does the rest of the family and I get so proud and thankful to see you with them as they are so good to you, and me. Being at PawPaws did remind me of last year. Last year We were there for about an hour when you started projectile vomiting. It was the start of a 24 hour stomach bug. I remember being so worried and feeling so helpless as I frantically gathered our things and we went to Mimi & Grandpa's, where we were living at the time, to let you sleep and throw up in peace. Thankfully, this year went off without a hitch. I hope that you had a great time this holiday. I know you won't remember it, but I will and I am so thankful that we were together, and that we were able to laugh and play and enjoy the love of our family. I love you, Mom

Half birthday

Dear Addelyn,

You, my girl, are 18 months old today. I can not believe how fast time seems to be passing. To think of you as a year and a half old is hard for me. I feel as though you were sleeping in my arms just yesterday. Today you are practically running circles around me. You have developed such a sense of humor. The countless expressive faces you make are priceless. I love hearing you talk. Your vocabulary is quite extensive. At this moment in time you are particularly fond of saying no and saying it often, which we are working on. 

Addy, you have such a kind and loving soul. You are fun loving and fiercely independent, you are determined and strong, you are so very smart and clever. I am so very proud to be your mother and have so enjoyed watching you grow and change throughout this year and a half. 

I love you, my girl.

-Momma

Today

Dear Addelyn,

Today was the first day I have seen the doctor that delivered you since your daddy and I divorced. It is very odd; the relationship one has with the doctor that delivers your baby. If it is a good experience, as mine was, you feel as though this doctor somehow knows everything about you, or at least the most important things, like your child and your journey into motherhood. For me at least, there is a relationship with her that is unique.

Anyways, although I didn't have to go into great detail, I did have to tell her of the separation between me and your father, and for some reason I felt guilty. I felt a bit ashamed, as if I let her down. She helped bring this beautiful and wonderful being into our lives and create a family that is no longer together, and because of that I felt as though I was in some way disappointing her.  It was silly of me to think that. And she was supportive and understanding and her main concern, as it should be, was the health and happiness of you and I. 

I just want you to know that I never imagined us the way we are now. But, I also never imagined our life together being as great as it is now.  I am so very thankful for you and for your happiness. I hope to be, and will try to be, all that you need me to be. 

I love you, 

Mom

4:59

Dear Addelyn, 

I was wheeled into the delivery room around 4:30 in the afternoon on May 21, 2012. I was so incredibly nervous. My body was already experiencing the oddities of an epidural which to me was quite uncomfortable. At one point during the delivery the doctor told me to stop moving my legs. I had been consciously trying to move them, not knowing if i was succeeding, since they had gone numb. I was struggling with the lack of control I had on the lower half of my body.  At another point I can distinctly remember seeing our doctors head bob above the white curtain they had draped above my chest as she thrusted my abdomen to push you down. She later explained that you were situated high under my ribs and you had to be pushed down before she could deliver you. The short time spent in the delivery room was to me a frantic few minutes of hustling doctors having conversations I couldn't understand nor pay attention to, but then it happened: They announced your time of birth. At 4:59 pm you made your debut into this world. 

You weren't crying or making any noise for that matter. The nurses moved quickly, lifting your freshly born body over the curtain for me to see then whisking you to the incubator. It was these few minutes that seemed to last forever. I remember asking over and over again if you were okay. No one would answer me. But then you screamed, and I could breathe again. You were a healthy 7 pound, 12 ounce, and 21 inch tall baby girl. 

I love you Addelyn,

Mom

The boys

Dear Addelyn,

When you were about three months old my maternity leave was over and I went back to work part time. The family created a childcare arrangement which included one day a week that your cousins, Ben and Crosby, would spend the day with us. Although I was a bit overwhelmed I was excited that you were going to be able to build a strong relationship with your cousins at such an early age. 

I have so enjoyed the days that the three of you are together. Ben has affectionately cared for you since the day you were born. He is such a good big cousin.  You adore him too. He makes you laugh, showers you with hugs and takes true interest in what you are doing. You and Crosby have a great relationship as well. Being closer in age the two of you act more as brother and sister than as cousins. Although yall compete for attention at times you play with each other well. I am excited to see your relationship with him build. I think the two of you will always treat and care for each other as "siblings". 

Today we had a picnic in the trunk of our car, with the boys. It was over 100 degrees outside, so we went to sonic then had an "adventure" that led us to our picnic in the trunk. It's days like today that you remind me how fast time goes. You are such an "big girl" these days, hanging with the boys.

I love you addy, 

Mom

August 5, 2013

Dear Addy, 

Today we met your daddy at the park. You were full of energy, "talking" to me the whole way there. You were also in one of those moods that proves just how determined and strong willed you are. Daddy hasn't seen much of that mood from you as for the most part you are easy going and fun loving. I am glad he experienced your stubbornness.

You did not want your shoes on and therefore couldn't walk around the park ground, and sitting you on the picnic table was not near stimulating enough once you "cleaned out" your bag and threw everything you could to the ground. Daddy didn't get frustrated but was definitely unsure of how to handle you. You had a good time and enjoyed seeing him, as I'm sure he enjoyed seeing you.

I am proud of you and your determination. I am proud that when you fall you get back up and try for it again. I am loving how vocal you are these days. I enjoy our "talks". 

I love you ad,

Mom

This is some of your artwork I just received from the completion of your first summer in mothers day out:

This is you last night. Like clockwork you get a burst of energy just before bedtime. You love being chased, falling onto your puppies and rolling around with me:

the beginning

my dear addelyn, i will start by appologizing for the lack of documentation i have created, or rather not created, during this the first year of your life. you are 14 months old now. 14 months and 9 days to be exact. you have lived in two houses, traveled with me to many of our friend's and family's couches and guest rooms, you have been by my side through life changes i never anticipated experiencing.  you have been by my side, and for that i am eternally greatful. so i have been to busy experiencing, and learning, to properly document your journey. for that i am sorry.

that being said let me begin to tell you our story. you were born in the middle of may. i was uncomfortable, to put it nicely. i knew that i had a big baby in my belly. i saw many grainy images of your beautiful and fully developed body days before you arrived, and i was ready. i was oh so ready to meet you, to hear you, to hold you.
for reasons that are hazy to me now, during my pregnancy, i wanted to have you naturally. hindsight shows me that my pride was the ultimate culprit for this thinking. i wanted to prove to myself that i could have a natural birth, that i was strong enough to. luckily, for us both, i had your aunt coco and a wonderful doctor who helped me remember that bringing you into this world should not have any thought relation to my pride. so, your c-section delivery was scheduled. the professionals were worried that waiting for nature to take it's course would take to long, you would be late, and grow even bigger. to be quite honest the joke was that my body just wasnt made to push out a big ol' baby.

then, we picked a date and waited. i waited through the longest weekend of my existance. you were due on a friday i scheduled your delivery on a monday and sat full of so much anxiety, excitement and impatience that those three days were nearly unbearable. finally monday arrived. we didn't have to be at the hospital until 3:00. i woke early, as usual, and spent the morning cleaning the house. i dusted and vacuumed, i arranged and rearranged your room and wrote you a letter, i could not sit still. we got to the hospital early and i was a nervous wreck. i don't even remember speaking much. they prepped me, and again i waited...

addelyn, my dear

my dear addelyn, 

my letter to you is endless. may this be the beginning of my endless letter. 

with love, momma